Chapters

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I have value and that my contributions to society through my academic writing have significance. My insights have meaning and there is importance to my contributions despite writing the things that are triggering and emotionally taxing. I can give glimpses into worlds that aren’t often talked about, or are heavily criticized just for existing. I cannot help who I am, but I can give a voice to the voiceless or be an ally to those who need me to be. I cannot own anyone’s experiences but my own, but that doesn’t mean I will sit by watching idly as communities struggle. I’ll help in any way that I can because that is a part of who I am. I can learn from others experiences and I want to learn as much as possible.

There are times late at night when I am laying in bed wondering where I fit into this world, and often times it’s so hard to see where I fit in or if I fit in at all. I’m an individual that’s an absolute certainty. I am a member of various communities, but I still feel like an outsider or an imposter. Am I? No, but surrounding myself with like-minded people who share similar values in geographical area that is so backwards feels stifling and difficult. It’s not just due to the pandemic, but is something I have struggled with my whole life. My anxiety and depression feed off one another and all these “what ifs” would pop into my head. Lately, those “what ifs” haven’t plagued me and I am able to shrug off the things that aren’t worth my time and effort. since I have found a therapist that I really jive with. However, I think this is going to be a lifelong process to find a balance and to not lose what is most important to me and my core beliefs.

Growth

For a few years, I have felt stagnant, bobbing idly in the muddy pond of life. Death after death haunting me as I slept or giving me loving signs during waking hours, and the occasional visitation dream that still give me the fuzzies. It is hard to fathom how I got this far, how I strayed so far from my path and let the emotions of others dictate my life. It has not been until recent months I am re-learning my passions, reaching out to friends and being more open with who I am. It is refreshing to laugh and smile and feel a sense of comfort I have not felt in an exceptionally long time. With my friends, we pick up where we left off and it is like nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time. It is enlightening to know where my insecurities stem from and how to cope with them, where the projections started and how to change my mindset. I am coming back into myself again, but there is still progress and strides to be made and I am making them at remarkable speed.

Therapy—well, I should say my therapist has already taught me so much and has pushed me into a field where I did not think I would head towards. It turns out, psychology may be my calling. It combines my desire to help people and to be who I am at the same time. It allows me to tap into my previous experiences and traumas to help those who may be going through similar situations.

I am far from the shell of a person I was in 2013when I had my plan to end things when I was so broken that the idea of living was too much for me to handle. I thought of the people who I would be leaving behind and I could not bear that burden, so I continued slowly moving forward and I will keep moving forward. I am doing my best to find happiness in myself and give happiness to others. I want to be uplifting and help whenever I can. I want to share my life with incredibly special people. I want to share my art, photography, and keep learning and growing. I will be unapologetically, authentic to who I am. To my core.

Long Time, No See

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, the choices I make, and trying to better myself both mentally and physically. After my dad passed away, it really brought a lot into perspective. Life is fragile and fleeting. People often don’t realize the time we have left on this earth and take spending time together for granted. I know I took spending time together for granted. Every moment I spent with my dad, regardless of the emotional state I was in was precious. Those are times I can never get back. All the time I spent in my room and not with my family, I can’t get back. The last thing my dad and I did together before his heart attack was and will always be something we did together. He would sit on his spot on the couch and I would lay next to him. He would put his hand on my head and rub his fingers in my hair. I can’t get that back. I miss him so much that it hurts. There are days where it’s incredibly hard to function and my depression hits in waves leaving me lost and stranded on my bed like I’m stuck on an isolated island and can’t get up. There are days where I am full of energy that leaves me restless that I have to constantly be doing something or I feel like I will jump out of my skin and there are days where all I want is to leave this existence, but I continue moving forward because I have to. I must leave my impression on this world. I need to leave my impression on this world for better or worse. I will make my impact whether it be on a small scale or large, but it will be done.

I have started to go to therapy again to help cope with my various issues I am currently facing, of course one of those is the passing of my dad. Honestly, there is still shock. I still haven’t come to terms with it, and I’m not sure if I ever will. It happened so fast and it was so unexpected that my brain is still lost in a fog. I know physically he is gone, but I feel him with me no matter where I am. Some days his presence is stronger than others, but he is always there. I am his daughter, after all. I see the quirks and his humor he has passed onto me; his kindness, his anxiousness, his ability to get along with just about anyone and even his stubbornness. He was a great man, husband, and father, and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.

Aside from therapy, I decided to go back to school, I am taking a degree program online and I am completing my final two classes this term and graduate in May. I will have an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts. It is exciting and I have done really well in the classes I have completed so far. I hope to continue doing well in these final two classes. After I complete this degree, I am planning to apply to Temple University’s Japan Campus for a bachelor degree in art. Art?! Yes, art. Why art? I have always been fascinated with art, and what better place than to combine two of my facinations of Japan and art by being in Japan? I also want to learn Japanese, but language schools in Japan will not accept me because of my blindness, so I am looking toward TUJ to help bridge my language learning journey as well.

Hard Times

 

It’s hard to Compartmentalize my feelings of grief, my normal depression, and the feeling of love for my partner. I’ve put up a wall to not hurt myself, but in turn I’m only hurting them and myself. It’s hard to not think about my dad every day. It’s hard to not pick up the phone and call him. I’m not the same person I was months ago… I rarely want to be touched and if I do it’s only for a few brief fleeting seconds. Yet, at the same time all I want is to be held. It’s constant warfare in my brain and it’s beginning to boil over. It’s making me an irritable, angry, bitter person. I want to show them how much I love them, but I don’t know how. I’m at a loss. Materialistic things aren’t important – it’s actions and words that are the most powerful. Although, I know my words aren’t enough and my actions are far from what I think they should be.

From Hakone With Love

It’s been a month and a half since you passed away. I am still struggling with coming to grips with your death. However, I am continuing to move forward. I went to Hakone. It’s a very tourist spot that has gained popularity because of it’s numerous hot springs. There is even a volcano close by. It has vapor pockets that rise up and the whole area smells like sulfur. Honestly, I enjoyed the smell. It also has this egg called kurotamago (black egg), and it is a hard-boiled egg in the hot rivers that the volcano heats up. The shell of the egg literally turns black and it is said that if you eat one of these eggs you add seven years to your life. I ate three. They were delicious. They did have a very faint sulfur taste to them, but overall I really enjoyed them. I used Aira a lot in Hakone and took a lot of pictures. My favorite picture is of a scene of a mountain with people walking below, the tourist building off to the right and steam flowing up from a vapor pocket. The last vapor pocket opened in 2015 and we took  gondola up to the top of the mountain. Mom said you would have hated that because gondolas aren’t one of your favorite things. I can understand why. It was pretty scary. We even took a cable car too.

After getting kurotamago and checking into our hotel, we went for dinner. It was a huge dinner! There were shrimp, clams, various fish, grilled roast beef, rice, vegetables, some weird things I didn’t know, but ate anyway and fruits and cake for dessert. We had plum sake before dinner and I had a glass of white wine and water during dinner. All of the food was delicious! You won’t believe that I actually ate shrimp and clams and really enjoyed them!

After dinner we went back to our hotel room where we had a private onsen. It was a giant bathtub outside. There was a really pretty view from the onsen, which I took a picture of too. The onsen water smelled funny, but that’s because it was from a specific onsen. I don’t know which one, but the onsen was very relaxing and I almost didn’t want to leave. There is so much in Hakone that I didn’t get to experience, so I want to go back one day.

While in the hotel, I was talking to mom on the phone and started to cry because I was thinking of you. After we got off the phone, we turned on the TV to listen to some music. We put on a instrumental channel and the weirdest thing happened. Indiana Jones theme was playing followed by the Star Wars Imperial March. That was a sign wasn’t it?

I tried going to school, but quickly realized that I wasn’t able to function properly because you’re always on my mind. I tried really hard to do it, but I couldn’t. I feel like a failure, but I will try again in the future after some time has passed.

I’ve called to schedule a therapy appointment for when I come back home to begin the healing process. It is going to be really difficult coming home and realizing you’re not there. I want to call you all the time and tell you all the wonderful things I’ve been doing. It breaks my heart knowing I can’t and how badly I want to hear your voice or feel your arms around me in a tight hug.

I know you are somewhere watching over me, protecting me and guiding me, but I just wish I could have one more day. One more daddy-daughter-day. One more moment where you tell a dad joke and I laugh at just how bad it is while rolling my eyes.

I love you.