Long Time, No See

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, the choices I make, and trying to better myself both mentally and physically. After my dad passed away, it really brought a lot into perspective. Life is fragile and fleeting. People often don’t realize the time we have left on this earth and take spending time together for granted. I know I took spending time together for granted. Every moment I spent with my dad, regardless of the emotional state I was in was precious. Those are times I can never get back. All the time I spent in my room and not with my family, I can’t get back. The last thing my dad and I did together before his heart attack was and will always be something we did together. He would sit on his spot on the couch and I would lay next to him. He would put his hand on my head and rub his fingers in my hair. I can’t get that back. I miss him so much that it hurts. There are days where it’s incredibly hard to function and my depression hits in waves leaving me lost and stranded on my bed like I’m stuck on an isolated island and can’t get up. There are days where I am full of energy that leaves me restless that I have to constantly be doing something or I feel like I will jump out of my skin and there are days where all I want is to leave this existence, but I continue moving forward because I have to. I must leave my impression on this world. I need to leave my impression on this world for better or worse. I will make my impact whether it be on a small scale or large, but it will be done.

I have started to go to therapy again to help cope with my various issues I am currently facing, of course one of those is the passing of my dad. Honestly, there is still shock. I still haven’t come to terms with it, and I’m not sure if I ever will. It happened so fast and it was so unexpected that my brain is still lost in a fog. I know physically he is gone, but I feel him with me no matter where I am. Some days his presence is stronger than others, but he is always there. I am his daughter, after all. I see the quirks and his humor he has passed onto me; his kindness, his anxiousness, his ability to get along with just about anyone and even his stubbornness. He was a great man, husband, and father, and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.

Aside from therapy, I decided to go back to school, I am taking a degree program online and I am completing my final two classes this term and graduate in May. I will have an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts. It is exciting and I have done really well in the classes I have completed so far. I hope to continue doing well in these final two classes. After I complete this degree, I am planning to apply to Temple University’s Japan Campus for a bachelor degree in art. Art?! Yes, art. Why art? I have always been fascinated with art, and what better place than to combine two of my facinations of Japan and art by being in Japan? I also want to learn Japanese, but language schools in Japan will not accept me because of my blindness, so I am looking toward TUJ to help bridge my language learning journey as well.